"Speak Up Girl. Damn"

I was in the kitchen at work the other day, and I was putting together a to go order which needed extra taziki sauce (because let's be real you can never have too much). When I went over to the line to ask Chef Bill for extra, I was anxious as per usual whenever I have to talk to someone who is not my mom or best friend. When I asked, he didn't hear me so I repeated it two more times before he understood what I had asked for. Afterwards, he said to me, "just speak up girl, damn". I awkwardly laughed it off as you do and proceeded on with my day. However, his words, meaning much less than how I took them I'm sure, stayed repeating in my mind.

For the majority of my life I was given the role of the shy, quiet girl. I was content in that place from elementary school through high school. Never once really questioned or wondered why I was that way. I always had then mentality that unless spoken to, why speak? It wasn't until recently that I started questioning why I thought that way.

I realized that for me it probably developed because of little things people said that I internalized. My family, older sister especially, and some friends would mention to me that I talked too much, my sister's favorite phrase was 'shut up'. Now, that is not out of the ordinary for anyone, and I was being an annoying younger sister who wouldn't shut up. However, it is how I internalized what those people said that made me who I am.

I took those 'shut ups' and 'not right nows' and 'I don't cares' extremely personally. I told myself that no one wanted to hear what I said, and so it was better to just not say anything at all. As a child, not that big of a deal. But as I grew up and saw how easily people shared their opinions, stories, and comments on anything and everything I was surprised. I also realized that I was not participating in those conversations out of fear.

I was not used to openly sharing anything at all. To me if nobody asked, nobody cared. Which isn't true, and even if they don't care, who cares? My opinion is just as valid as anyone else's. I've felt this most recently in college, in class discussions I would never participate. In high school that didn't matter, teachers rarely graded on participation. But now all of my professors adore making 10-30% of my grade based on participation, and I struggled with that a lot.

In class I would have awful anxiety about raising my hand and stating what I thought. I would feel my heart pounding outside of my chest, and I knew not saying anything would make that feeling go away. So I wouldn't say anything. That lack of participation has led to many awkward meetings with professors about why I don't participate when I should. And I never know what to say to them.

So, recently I have tried to have the mentality that I should speak my mind and say how I feel. No matter if that is the unpopular opinion, or what everyone else is already thinking. I have a right to speak without being spoken to. Now, I don't think this is the awakening Bill intended me to have after telling me to speak up, but I'll be sure to thank him loud and clear next time I see him.